Gifts You Should (Not) Buy

Naturally, bloggers at this time of year transform their blogs into complete holiday decor. There's snow falling onto their posts, every single photograph has fairy lights in the back, and you can practically smell peppermint through the screen.

Let's change it up then, shall we.

As holiday season approaches, instead of rambling about how great we are at shopping two weeks beforehand, let's talk about how great we aren't. How great we aren't at pretending that we adore the gifts we receive. How great we aren't at maneuvering through December. Let's make everything the opposite.

Starting from today:

Today we're going to be talking about Gifts You Should (Not) Buy 

1) Socks. 

I don't care if you're buying this for your great grandfather who's cold 24/7, just don't. Why? I mean, if you're seriously concerned about why he's freezing at any given time of the year, get him socks just any other month. Don't give socks to people as holiday presents. That's lame. 

2) Sweaters. 

I don't celebrate Christmas, but I read everywhere that Christmas sweaters are dubbed the "ugly sweaters." I don't even find them particularly ugly, but don't give out sweaters that are already negatively named. If you're a grandmother reading this, you are no exception. I know it's tough, but NO SWEATERS.

3) Candles.

I don't understand this obsession for candles. Sure, yeah, they smell great, but how many can you possibly have? It's outrageous. Plus, do you like, light it once and then save it? And use a different one in the meantime? Do you have a bunch of half-used candles sitting around? The thought is making me nervous. FINISH THE CANDLES! DON'T GIVE THEM OUT AS GIFTS! LET PEOPLE FINISH THEIR HALF-USED ONES! 

4) Board Games

Unless it's something cool like Monopoly, (my siblings and I have still not finished our game. We started three years ago and have still not come to an agreement.) or Risk or Life or Stratego, don't give kids board games. Elders, perhaps, yes, you could give them board games, because it makes them feel better about not using technology. 

5) Anything Elmo-related

I don't know what it is with Elmo and adults, because they seem to think that this red monster is the toy every child wants. Let me tell you a deep, dark secret:

they don't. 

It's shocking, I know.

Elmo is absolutely terrifying when the batteries start to die, and fun fact: the batteries start dying .2 seconds after you've opened the box. His voice fades into this screechy thing that activates itself sometimes. Plus, there's a bunch of versions of Elmo toys, from Hawaii Elmo to Big Hugs Elmo (what??) to Rock 'n Roll Elmo to Hokey Pokey Elmo to the absolute menace itself, Tickle Me Elmo.

It will never stop laughing. 

Here's a picture I found of someone's collection of Elmo. Credit goes to "MNicoleM," although Ms. Nicole, I have no idea how you could look at this and not be terrified. Everyone likes different things, I guess.

Where dreams go to die.

6) Anything that has to do with physical activity.

That's not even a thing anymore. Where have you been.

7) Anything that has just newly come out in the field of technology.

I know you think you're going to be the coolest aunt/uncle/niece/nephew/etc by giving out the latest Apple phone (What version is it, again) but you're really, really not. Because the chances are extremely high that your recipient already has that item. There is a techie in everyone's family, and they will get that item the day it comes out, and at worst, the week it comes out . If you deny the fact that oh there's no techie in my family, we keep our old traditions alive and prospering, in fact i have a butter churn in the back room, I can tell you right now that if there is not one visible tech-obsessed human in your family, then there is a hidden one. Don't give technology, or you'll have to sit through pained looks while people realize that oh, i already have this, then you'll watch as their face morphs into damn, this would go so easy on eBay. Thanks, Uncle Bob!

By now, you're probably like, "Well Aina, what are we supposed to give out then? You've already eliminated clothing, toys, electronic toys, and razor scooters!" 

Let me tell you something I haven't eliminated yet, and that's Kitchen Appliances, which, by the way, do not. 

In fact, this holiday season, don't give anything at all! Relish the time you have with your family and friends. Share the fresh, homemade, churned butter at the dining table, with fairy lights illuminating the softness of the yellow block.