Dentists

Today I’m going to talk about a topic long, long overdue.

It may be offensive, but every writer knows this day will eventually come forth in their lives.

Today just happens to be mine.

Today we’re going to talk about dentists.

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          Dentists are the epitome of mystery. Dentists like to reel you in with bright, perfect smiles, but when your back is turned, they tend to do whatever they want. Often, they do not let you know. In fact, more than often. Most of the time, by signing papers, you send over your trust bank to theirs. Their trust bank fills by the patient, until one day, all the trust pours out because the bank simply cannot keep it in. When that happens, it’s about a year into your contract, so you cannot do a single thing while they wonder what they’ve done wrong and blame your previous doctor for it. (More on that in #4)

          Now that we’ve established what a dentist really is underneath their blinding, too-white smile that never falters, we’re going to move on some of the worst things their service comes with.

               1.      False Sense of Assurance

          Dentists are professionals at this. They are constantly telling you, “Oh, it’s really nothing. Won’t feel a thing!” while you feel everything. Their office is decorated to look like your third grade classroom (“You can do this!” “Success pays off!” “There’s always the rain before the rainbow!”) which do nothing at all to reassure you. Sometimes you’re convinced that the only reason they have a dozen frames on the wall is to entertain you while you wait for approximately seventy minutes, which brings us to our next topic.

               2.       Waiting Rooms

          Waiting rooms are not just “waiting” rooms. In fact, they should be called “Multi-Purpose Rooms,” because of the amount of things you do instead of simply waiting. When I go to a waiting room, I memorize every motivational quote word for word that is stuck in there, I revise all and every algebraic equation ever taught, and I think about the meaning of life. Usually, when I get to the meditating point, it’s been about thirty minutes sitting in the Multi-Purpose Room. I think about why I am sitting there, not waiting but wasting time. I think about how I could have gone without it, since my teeth are not as bad as having to wait for an hour, but the dentists think otherwise. Which brings us to our next topic.

               3.      Self-Esteem Declining

          You know when you’re about to take a test, and you’re like, “I am going to do well. I have studied. I understand the concepts and can put them to test. I will do well,” but then you go in and it’s nothing like what you studied? In fact, it’s an entirely different subject. It turns out you’re sitting in the wrong room, but that’s not the point.

          That’s what this is like. You go in to have your teeth evaluated, and you know they’re not terrible, but they’re not exactly wonderful either. They’re just okay, which is why you don’t think you’ll have too much of a problem. You expect the dentist to say something like, “Yeah we’ll just touch up this area and this area and then we’ll be done.”

          Instead, the dentist pulls out a scroll that falls to the ground and goes out the Evaluation Room into the Multi-Purpose Room and out the door (and even farther, but by that time the traffic has destroyed the remaining piece of paper) that highlights every single thing that is wrong with your teeth, while you sit there feeling like everything is your own fault. As if when you were born you had options and you selected, “Teeth that aren’t beautiful and will require around three years to fix by placing various metals in my mouth,” instead of “Teeth that are perfect and blinding and will receive compliments everywhere.” That’s what dentists make you feel like anyway.

               4.      Bullying of other Dentistries

          Not only do dentists like to make you feel bad, they also bash on the previous dentists you had gone to. They somehow manage to make you feel bad about choosing them. They don’t seem to realize that this will fix literally nothing. In fact, to them, everyone before them was totally wrong and they are your savior now, so here’s your bill for $10,000 and an evaluation that makes you feel terrible about yourself.

          I’m going to write an example, since this is all very hard to believe, I know. It’s funny what goes on behind the scenes. Subscribe to this blog to receive more insider info about the criminal masterminds behind your local dentistries.

          Say you go to your dentist for an evaluation. It becomes a terrible experience within the first few minutes. The next few minutes, the dentist will interrogate of your previous dentists’ evaluation of your teeth. So, he’s asking what they told you. You will tell them what they told you. Your current dentist is going to say, “Well. They were wrong when saying it was too early. In fact, you’re late.” They may not be that blatant about it, but believe me, you can read through their words. Then, you feel bad for following directions the previous dentist gave you! It’s absolutely maddening. You cannot and never will win.

               5.      Actual Procedure

          We’ve spent enough time talking about the torture beforehand. This is what follows. You will be seated after enough time thinking about the essence of life. There, you will wait some more. Or, in other words, wonder what doom comes your way this time.

          A nurse will come in first. They’re like the yellow lights on traffic signals. They’re yelling “CAUTION CAUTION!!” to you in their heads, because they spend half their life next to the dentists themselves and they know exactly what’s going to happen, while you sit there, naïve and innocent to the world.

          Then the dentist will come in, and you will absolutely loathe every second you have to spend with them, because they’re not being gentle, and it makes you want to yell but you can’t, because there’s forty-seven murder weapons in your mouth.

               6.      Murder Weapons

          I’m not even kidding about them being murder weapons. When the dentists roll over their petite little table made just for tools, I began to imagine it as a horror scene. The dentist will pick up one, whisper to his assistant, “Which one will it be this time?”

          The assistant will return his wicked grin, nodding. “The spiked one which makes them bleed.” He laughs manically.

          They both laugh in tune, the candles casting shadows in the office.

Disclaimer: This blog is in no way trying to insult their local dentistry, even though many examples were derived from there. I like the work you do and am immensely thankful. This is simply a compilation of various feelings felt while being in the office that you should not be offended by because I dislike going to all doctors. If you are one of them, I am sorry you get written about.